I’M SICK OF THOSE MAGNETIC RIBBONS ON THE BACK OF SUV’S “SUPPORT OUR TROOPS,” “GOD BLESS AMERICA,” “PRAY FOR OUR TROOPS,” –YOU KNOW THE SHTICK. ON THE OTHER HAND, I’M AFRAID TO PUT THAT HANDSOME “FUCK BUSH” BUMPER STICKER ON MY CAR FOR FEAR OF PATRIOTIC VANDALS. SO I’M WORKING UP A MAGNET OF MY OWN: “I SUPPORT MY EX-WIFE.” FRANKLY AFTER SUPPORTING HER AND A FEW OTHER PEOPLE ON A SOMEWHAT MORE VOLUNTARY BASIS, I HAVE VERY FEW FINANCIAL OR EMOTIONAL RESOURCES LEFT OVER FOR OUR TROOPS. I DO SUPPORT OUR TROOPS SINCE I PAY TAXES, BUT I DON’T LIKE BEING EXHORTED FOR SOME FURTHER UNSPECIFIED FORM OF SUPPORT. HOW ELSE CAN I SUPPORT THEM? TELL PEOPLE AT COCKTAIL PARTIES, “I’M AGAINST THE WAR, BUT I SUPPORT OUR TROOPS?” I HAD ENOUGH OF THAT ABSURDITY WHEN THE DEMOCRATS USED IT IN THE LAST POLITICAL CAMPAIGN. THAT JUST DOESN'T’T ADD UP TO ME. I STILL DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY I SHOULD SUPPORT OUR TROOPS WHILE THEY ARE FIGHTING AN IMMORAL WAR. AS FAR AS I’M CONCERNED, YOU’RE ON YOUR OWN TROOPS. I HOPE YOU DON’T HURT OR KILL ANYBODY WHILE YOU’RE OVER THERE. I HOPE YOU SURVIVE AND COME BACK HOME TOO, BUT AS LONG AS YOU’RE INVADERS, YOU’RE ON YOUR OWN. OUR TROOPS ARE NOT IN THE SUDAN, SAVING A NOBLE PEOPLE FROM GENOCIDE. THEY ARE OCCUPYING A COUNTRY THAT DIDN’T DO ANYTHING TO OUR COUNTRY, FIGHTING AGAINST PEOPLE DEFENDING THEIR HOMELAND. SO I SUPPORT OUR TROOPS – GETTING THE HELL OUT OF IRAQ. THIS PATHETIC, “I’M AGAINST THE WAR, BUT I SUPPORT OUR TROOPS” ROUTINE IS PART OF WHY THE DEMOCRATS LOST. IT’S LIKE BEING AGAINST ALCOHOLISM BUT LOVING TO GET LOADED. IT’S LIKE THE UNITED STATES FIGHTING AGAINST WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION WHILE POSSESSING, ACCORDING TO THE NATURAL RESOURCES DEFENSE COUNCIL, 10,240 NUCLEAR WARHEADS. “I PITY OUR TROOPS” – HOW’S THAT FOR AN SUV MAGNET? I PITY THEM BECAUSE THEY CAN’T WIN. I PITY THE SOLDIER WHO KILLS WITHOUT UNDERSTANDING THE NATURE OF HIS MISSION. I PITY TROOPS WHO BELIEVE THE U.S. GOVERNMENT’S MESSAGE: “YOU PEOPLE BETTER BE FREE, OR WE’RE GOING TO KILL YOU.” IF YOU’VE GOT A BOY IN THE ARMY, SEND HIM A SALAMI, A BULLETPROOF VEST, SOME ARMOR FOR HIS HUMVEE AND SPARTACUS ON DVD. WHAT THIS COUNTRY NEEDS IS A GOOD GLADIATOR REVOLT. I DON’T SUPPORT OUR TROOPS BECAUSE THEIR COMMANDER IN CHIEF IS A LIAR. HE CALLS ALL FIGHTING IRAQIS “TERRORISTS.” HE’S NOT ALONE IN THAT: THE NEW YORK POST, FOX NEWS AND EVEN WILLIAM SAFIRE OF THE NEW YORK TIMES MAGAZINE, WHO LECTURES US ON DICTION EVERY SUNDAY, CALLS ANYONE FIGHTING THE INVASION OF IRAQ A TERRORIST. IT’S A BIG LIE. THE RESPECTABLE MEDIA CALLS THEM INSURGENTS. IT’S EASIER TO KILL A TERRORIST THAN IT IS TO KILL AN INSURGENT. BUT IT’S EASIER TO KILL INSURGENTS THAN DEFENDERS. EVEN “INSURGENT” IS A HIGHLY MISLEADING TERM IN THIS WAR. AN INSURGENT IS SOMEONE WHO RISES IN REVOLT AGAINST CONSTITUTED AUTHORITY, A REBEL NOT RECOGNIZED AS BELLIGERENT. WHAT CONSTITUTED AUTHORITY ARE THE INSURGENTS REBELLING AGAINST? A GOVERNMENT APPOINTED BY THE U.S. INVADERS. TO CALL THOSE DEFENDING AGAINST INVADERS INSURGENTS IS TO LEGITIMIZE THE GOVERNMENT APPOINTED BY GEORGE W. BUSH, NOT ONE CHOSEN BY IRAQIS. LET’S CALL THE IRAQI FIGHTERS WHAT THE ARE: BELLIGERENTS, DEFENDERS, RESISTANCE FIGHTERS. TRY THAT OUT ON THE 6 O’CLOCK NEWS: “MARINES KILL 500 DEFENDERS.” OR “AMERICAN INVADERS ROUT IRAQI RESISTANCE.” LET’S CALL THE “ENEMY” WHAT THEY ARE: SOLDIERS. THEY MAY NOT BE “ELITE” REPUBLICAN GUARDS IN FANCY UNIFORMS, BUT JUST BECAUSE A MAN WITH AN RPG WEARS FLIP-FLOPS AND A Ck-ONE T-SHIRT DOESN’T MEAN HE ISN’T FIGHTING TO DEFEND HIS COUNTRY FROM AGGRESSORS. SO FAR, ABOUT 1300 AMERICAN MILITARY PERSONNEL HAVE DIED IN IRAQ, MOST SINCE “MISSION ACCOMPLISHED,” THE TOTAL NUMBER OF WOUNDED IS WELL OVER 9000. APPROXIMATELY 12,000 MEMBERS OF THE AMERICAN FORCE HAVE BEEN TREATED FOR ILLNESS OR INJURY. ABOUT 1,000 HAVE BEEN EVACUATED FOR MENTAL-HEALTH PROBLEMS. OTHER COALITION FORCES HAVE REPORTED 145 DEATHS. ACCORDING TO IRAQBODYCOUNT.COM, IRAQI CIVILIAN DEATHS ARE ESTIMATED AT APPROXIMATELY 15,000. ALL OF THESE NUMBERS ARE GROWING BECAUSE THERE’S NO WAY OUT. A RECENT JOHNS HOPKINS UNIVERSITY STUDY STATES THAT THE WAR HAS CAUSED OVER 100,000 ADDITIONAL IRAQI DEATHS. THE NEW U.S. ARMY SLOGAN IS “AN ARMY OF ONE.” DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT REALLY MEANS? IT MEANS, “YOU’RE ON YOUR OWN KID.” IF YOU WANT BODY ARMOR, YOU’D BETTER WRITE THE FOLKS BACK HOME. IT MEANS IF YOU THINK WE’RE GOING TO SEND HELP AND INSULT SECRETARY RUMSFELD’S VISION OF A SMALLER MORE AGILE FORCE, YOU’RE ON YOUR OWN. BUSH DOESN’T SUPPORT OUR TROOPS—NOT THE WAY I SUPPORT MY EX-WIFE. I SUPPORT HUMANS. I SUPPORT PEACE AND INTELLIGENCE. I SUPPORT OUR TROOPS COMING HOME RIGHT NOW. AND I SUPPORT MY EX-WIFE—BY ORDER OF THE COURT.