Impassioned Plea

Dear Alcohol;

First and foremost, let me tell you that I’m a huge fan of yours.  My friend, you always seem to be there when needed.  The perfect post-work cocktail, beer at the game, and you’re even around in the holiday’s hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we’re stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings.  However, lately I’ve been wondering about your intentions.  While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls:

While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 am.  Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating:

Now you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat at DICK’s or JACK IN THE BOX or DENNY’S and some cold French fries (washed down with WINE and topped off with a snickers bar after a few cheese curls and chili cheese fries?  I’m an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness:

Unless you’re subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down.  It’s completely unnecessary, and the black and blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me.  Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore:

The hangovers have GOT TO STOP.  This is getting ridiculous.  I know a little penance for our previous evening’s debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is beyond unacceptable.  My entire day is shot.  I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily activities.  Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would like to ensure that remain on good terms.  You have been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter and the needed companion when I just don’t know what else to do with the extra money in my pockets.  In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above, and address them immediately.  I look forward to an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions and hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you;

Your biggest fan.

PS  Things that are difficult to say when drunk:

1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

Things that are very difficult to say when drunk:

1. Specificity
2. Brittish Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder

Things that are downright impossible to say when drunk:

1.  Thanks, but I don’t want to have sex.

2.  Nope, No more Beer for me.

3.  Sorry, but you are not really my type.

4.  Good evening officer.  Isn’t it lovely out tonight?

5.  Oh, I couldn’t.  No one wants to hear me sing.

Comments

[lawduck]

Classic. This should get a medal for Funniest Thing in a Blog by a Friend of Mine. ;)