notes from the wonderGround

Chelan in Winter

So I get a text shortly after 8.  Which was fine since I had already been woken up by the phone.  "Call me when you wake up." 

So I did.  And I'm glad I did.  It was a good friend of mine, asking me to ride along to Chelan, to take another good friend of mine to one of the most reputable drug rehab programs in the Northwest. 

The drive was long.  We got lost.  It snowed - a ton.  But we made it.  And it starts a month long program that hopefully will get a friend to a better place.

I will maintain his anonymity...But so he knows, I am proud of him. 

Slow Learner

Today could be a better day.  I wish it was a better day.  I really would like to not be writing about the birthday gift I received from Jeremy.  Although, I truly appreciate the time and effort it took.  It is testament to what real friendship is.

The gift I am talking about is a new door knob and dead bolt for my apartment - installed and everything.

What's sad is that I felt the need to change my locks to begin with.  It upsets me to know that I was wrong about trusting someone with my home.  That even faced with mountains of evidence that I was wrong, that I still hung on to whatever remnant of loyalty to our friendship that I could find.  And when I could find nothing, I still hung on.  After finally giving in to the truth, I blamed myself.  It was me after all that gave him the key and access to all my stuff.  (Thanks for calling me a battered wife, Goose)  I blamed drugs.  But I still have plenty of friends who do plenty of drugs, without stealing from anyone.  And even now, as I try to write about it, I edit and delete and re-write sentence after sentence, somehow trying to explain the unexplainable.  To find reason where none exists.  Why? is a question that I cannot answer. 

All I can do is recognize that Richie is a thief, and then act accordingly.  Sad

Caring not Cher-ing

Rites of Spring with DJ Kyler and DJ Brian Gorr was far more fun than I expected.  I also must apologize for earlier pessimism regarding the likelihood of hearing a particular artist.  I may have been laying low while others were updating their collection. 

Thanks to the Taliban Team.  It was great hangin out...even Ryanna Takuchi got a temporary release from house arrest, and made an appearance.

Just Because You Have a Reason

If I put myself in the same situation - where I have to choose between staying here with all my friends, and working at a place that makes me insane or moving to a new city where I know no one but allows for a fulfilling work life - I fully understand how the choice to leave can be made.  Seeing a 92% chance that this is the way it is gonna go for a very good friend is not something I can argue against.

But I wear my own shoes.  And after Richie, then Archie, seeing another one leave (no matter that this one has a legitimate reason)  provides no comfort.

Unintended Adherance to Rumsfield Doctrine

Im not sure when I first heard the thought that our military should be large enough and equiped  in a manner that would allow us to fight two wars simultaneously, regardless of the geographic distance between the two areas. 

Of course believing in non violent action as a superior avenue to achieve most political objectives, I have rejected that notion consistently from the beginning.

Observe the hypocrisy on my part, as I ridicule the policy when it's discussed by the administration.  Yet, I proceed to fight two wars simultaneously against two adversaries right here at home.  Fortunately for me, the proximity is fairly close, and the methods of the two opponents are remarkably similar.   

For both though, the technique utilized is heavy with psychological warfare.  The effect of which is a high degree of success in CONFUSING THE FUCK OUT OF ME.

Naive

People aren't that complicated.  People are just interested in what they think is best for them.  The difference is in the distinction between how they get there.

For instance they may believe, as I do, that it's best to surround themselves with people of excellent character.  The way to personal benefit is to live with integrity, creating structures based on mutual respect and trust.  Karmic issues aside, it would seem that such philosophy would result in an alignment of whats best for all.

Conversely, there are cetainly those who use you for as much as they can get from you, and then when they have seemingly taken all they can, throw the rest away.

The especially sad thing occurs when you mistake someone of the second nature with someone for the first.  It is discouraging to realize that either the philosophy is flawed, or somewhere along the line a mistake was made in character judgment.

My confidence in the nature of people leads me to decide it is the latter.  This, of course, begs the question of where the confidence comes from.  How is it possible to maintain this faith when faced with evidence to the contrary every day. 

...Gonna Drink Bacardi Like it's Yer Birthday

Yo Master it's your birthday (okay not really) we're gonna party like it's Two days after your Birthday, We're gonna cruise for hotties like it's your birthday (just for me!) and the jury will acquit John Gotti on your birthday.

Pride

Such a muddy concept Pride.  I do not refer to "Gay Pride," at least specifically.  More that part of us that allows us to put value in self.  And at moments in time throughout our lives, we put this pride above all else.  For right or wrong, "at least I have my pride," becomes a mantra for choices we make.

Boo-dont you think the rest of us have pride too?         

Friends

...and this is what we mean by friends; even when they are absent, they are with us; even when they lack some things, they have an abundance of others; even when they are weak, they are strong, and harder still to say, even when they are dead, they are alive.

      --Cicero

dullnumbhaze

even if the truth is that we could have done something differently or somehow prevented the horribly tragic eventuality--the truth now is that we can no longer.  equally likely is that much like the "butterfly effect" with over exposed ashton kutcher, we have no idea what a different intervention at some point would have ended up causing. 

the finality of it all isn't what has slowed my metabolism and lowered my attention level.  The refusal to acknowledge emotional wounds that ought sting, burn, or cut sharply and deeply; opting instead for a drone like existence, neither wailing nor the opposite. 

routine has become an ally.  washing this, writing that, going there, then back is easier than facing the tsunami that is inexplicably frozen in place, right off shore.  it appears un-rushed, almost taunting in the silent shared knowledge that it can wait longer than i can.  indeed aware that its power will not dissipate, nor will my preparedness become adequate to handle the havok about to be wreaked on my psyche.

no, the malaise is not derived by one answer or another to the questions we ask ourselves, nor is the fact that we can't know the answers a source for the fog. 

all the systems within me are going on stand by, hibernate, powersave or whatever, because all my questions, even if answered, fail to be relevant now.  no matter if we could ascertain what they once were, and the outcome they might cause--we would be no better for it--does that make sense?

if allah himself descended to say "yes, had you done this, absolutely, things would have looked like disneyland meets baywatch with a twist of american idol."  at the end of the day.....we didn't